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Location: Frisco, Texas, United States
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I look at pictures of it all and feel like it was a dream. sullied and cliche i know, but it's true. i was there but only sort of, in the background, and mostly only a blur.
I know we're friends on facebook, but will you remember me? i know there's photos of us together, but do you look at them too? do you miss me as much as i miss you? as much as i miss our fun times, cause some of it was fun? or was i just being fooled? that thought hurts the most. i wish i had the self esteem to know that you valued my friendship. or was i just part of the background?
I know i was a shut in, i know i was awkward and mopey and pretentious, but you were too, it made me feel more acceptable, or you were just feeding off of me? i miss you, i miss it all. was it cause i didn't smoke, didn't drink enough, didn't try enough drugs? i just want to understand. or is it better that i don't understand? I look at the pictures about once every 6 months or so, cause i always end up this way, worse than where i was 15 minutes ago, because no one seems to remember me, was i even there? was it really all just a dream? are we really friends on facebook? are you really real? am i?
side note: i feel so useless and wasteful at community college, and i hate my pretensions in theory, but i can't help them. i just think of it as limbo, or a stepping stone, not something seriously serious. i'm sorry.
|i still don't honestly know which way things will go in the end, hopefully he'll grow up, but after what i found out yesterday i have lost much faith in this... i don't know.|
i hope things get better, but right now its hard to trust words, i need to see action, but actions take time, and i feel like i've given him enough time. i don't know. i really just need to stay strong, and be more honest with myself about the issue, yesterday was a big eye opener. I don't want it to be over. I don't. but it's so scary, and a friend said something that i've been thinking for awhile, and that scared me also. hearing it out loud is different than whispering it in the lower chambers of my mind. i really hope things get better, i really hope that he does some tangible things that let me see this, it's all in his court now though, i've been trespassed against, and i've forgiven, but i won't forget, and if things continue as they have, and if they don't improve in the soon time then... i don't know what will happen. and i hate that now i'm not only saying it out loud, but committing to it on here as well. all of the three people that will see this.... i don't know. i'll have faith for now, i'll hope for now, and trust in him for now, but if this summer a few things don't fall into their proper places then...well, i don't know. i just need to stay strong for awhile.
|i am so tired of being upset and emotional, i'm so tired of being mad at him and hurt by him in inadvertent ways, but no matter how many times i tell him he continues to do things that he would know hurt me, i don't know whether to think he's being careless and insensitive or sincerely doesn't realize it, but i'm tired of guessing, and i'm tired of being mad at him about it, and i'm tired of having the same arguments over and over and over again. i'm so sick of all of this, i don't even know really, i'm sure we'll be fine in the end but right now it's so difficult, i don't feel like he listens or cares at all, and he doesn't do anything to make me feel otherwise, i'm so tired of crying over the same things. i honestly have no idea what to do, sometimes i feel like i'm being too sensitive, and sometimes i feel like i'm totally justified, and sometimes i feel like i'm justified for being to sensitive because he can be so insensitive an it just confuses and hurts me so much. i don't know what happened, why did i change, did he change, i don't know. my expectations changed and he stayed exactly the same, i still dont know how seriously he's taking all of this, it's so painful, i feel so torn, i don't even know.... i'm just so tired of crying over the same things, and worrying about the same things because he doesn't show me any reassurance, and continues to do things that hurt me, whether mindfully or absentmindedly. i don't know, it hurts either way. i don't know what to do. i'm just so tired of running around in circles with him, all the time, for the last 6 months. i can't stand this, i'm supposed to confide in him with everything, but when i do it's too overwhelming, and when i dont i hurt and get chastised, when i back off and deal with my own shit i hurt, and get ignored, and hurt more. i'm so tired of this, i'm so tired of running around in circles, i'm tired of him not taking it seriously, i wish he would just grow up, and see this, and me, for what it all is. i don't know what to do, i've gone to him with the same troubles a million times, i have nothing new to say to him, other than that i am actually fed up with it all, and whether he likes it or not the engagement changed me, and he has to deal with it and live up to my expectations if he wants it to stay this way. i don't know, i'm so tired of crying over the same fucking things, why won't he listen........why won't he listen? i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know how much more of this i can actually handle..... i have nothing new to say, i feel like a broken record as it is, i just see no change in him to make me more comfortable with all of this. why did i get myself into this? i feel so unwanted....it's hard to feel wanted when they don't listen.....i should call him, should i call him? i shouldn't call him, i love him, i want to call him, i feel so awful, i don't know, what would calling him accomplish? probably nothing....he doesn't listen anymore, because i'm a broken record that he's already heard and doesn't care to listen to anymore....|
classic, he didn't even answer...
|things are looking up in some areas, i've been a fairly negative pessimist concerning some rather big issues in my life and have felt utterly trapped in some ways, many arguments, tears, sleepless nights, missed classes, bottled emotions, etc. it's been difficult. I don't know, i have hardly wanted to admit all my doubts to myself, but it goes on. I've come to some pretty helpful and useful conclusions on my own recently though, i feel much better about the situation, less scared, well, terrified, petrified, mortified...|
It was a talk with my dad which inspired all of this. I was sort of brushing the topic while talking to him, i got teary, i'm getting teary now, but he quickly turned it around, said something with the phrase "gloom & doom" and it all clicked for me. For whatever reasons, being rather uncharacteristic of myself, i was being an indefatigable pessimist concerning all of these woes, things used to seem less heavy, and my mental state, my current location, and other surrounding variables made it easy to fall into a pit of doom and gloom. i'm not quite out yet but i'm digging for sure. senior year was pretty carefree, i remember one of the most liberating moments of my life, being assigned a ridiculous project that was due like two weeks before graduation, getting the assignment sheet, turning to some friends sitting next to me and slyly saying, defiantly saying, righteously saying "i'm not going to do it" it was the best, for sure. Not that i need to take that mentality back completely, but something similar, brush it off, it'll turn up, things will improve, and they are, and i'm the only one who can really control all of this, parental units are my only kryptonite though....my mother as well, as good as things can be with her she can be such an irrational bitch, just for the sake of trying to still control me, as teenage angsty as that sounds if you only knew......
I did something last night, a bad thing, and as much as i regret it i know that regretting it this much will mean that i will certainly never do it again, and that is a comforting thought. I love Kris and am so grateful for everything that i have with him at this moment, it makes me feel guilty sometimes, but not too bad, i don't know.
Being the exception is a precarious position.....
Seminars are improving overall, the last one i didn't participate too much but i got out of it with some interesting thoughts.
rhetorical questions are misunderstood and for some reason that really irritates me.
I definitely want and I <3 Ms. Carter T-shirt.
I don't understand how someone can think that everything happens for a reason...just that statement "everything happens for a reason" it implies fate but doesn't follow through with the belief all the way, and of course everything "happens" for a reason, because you didn't take precautions to avoid it happening, or because it was allowed to happen, so to say. i read that in a blog earlier and it really irritated me for some reason.
Also, most times it's not really name calling, it's object identification. Fucker.
i've never really been active in the xanga community, sticking really only to people that i knew in person, from school or w/e, but i will read ish sites among other things and i've been very bothered by empty comments. I hate it when an entry is closed with a question and someone will comment "haha!! I dont know!!" or give just a straight answer, what is this adding to anything other than saying you're self-centered because no matter how empty your words are you still insist on putting them out there. I've commented a few times to refute something someone else said or to speak about a strongly held belief that i have, or if i just find what i have to say particularly interesting pertaining to the subject, i think the only time that last one applies though is when i outlined Aristophenes speech in Symposium b/c the question was about soulmates.
speaking of plato.....
|oh gee. so my last night home Kris decides that it's a good time to bring up how much i dislike and do not get along with his parents. it was basically pretty awful. we came to some good conclusions though. a long time ago we had a heated discussion on this same subject and i said that i would try harder to be amiable and agreeable, not that i have ever been uncivil but just make more of an effort i suppose, which i did. apparently he thinks it hasn't been enough, or i don't know, but he only tries as much as he has to with my mom, who is very welcoming and invited us over for dinner several times over the break, his parents, not one invitation, not one out reach, whatever, i don't like them anyway, the less the better. but he thinks that it's my place to impose on them and make them feel that i like them, but how can you reach out to such cold heartless people??? whatever, so we agreed that i had made an effort and maybe he just needs to accept that they are who they are and i am who i am and we don't go well together. i don't know, i see this coming up again but at least this time it wasn't all on my back. |
being back at school....sucks. i hated waking up by myself this morning, i hate having to put pants and shoes on to go to the bathroom, i hate not having my dad around to make me pancakes... and not getting a good morning kiss from Kris. however i'll admit that i do like sleeping alone a little, i like that i wasn't woken up once by a cat biting my toes or playing with the doorstop. i do like feeling independent and having a set schedule, and i do value my alone time which i haven't had much of over the past two weeks. i hate that he is just a voice at the other end of a phone though... that sucks.
good stroke of luck though my math class ran short so i get a little extra wiggle room in my day, i have so much work to do....and i really just want to cry of exhaustion and sleep and ignore my obligations....